Compilation from the net..Jokes on Michael Owen!

Oh, Michael..

1. The career of players like Michael Owen could be well and truly over after the prospect of a return for artificial pitches looked set to bring back the classic knee graze. The PFA have demanded to know why players may be subjected to those showers where you gently move your leg into the water only to scream out in absolute agony as the stinging sensation takes effect.

2. David Blaine is apparently gutted at the minute. He has discovered his 44 day record of doing fuck all in a box has been smashed by Michael Owen

3. Football star Michael Owen has released a new fragrance. It's set to be called 'My cologne '.

4. Michael Owen is to leave Man Utd, his agent says many clubs have shown an interest in signing him as they believe he has a good year in him. It was 1998.

5. I hate it when the wife wears a United Michael Owen shirt to bed. It's her way of letting me know I wont be scoring that night
 
6. There has been an increase in unemployment within Manchester, doctors have announced as Michael Owen leaves United.

Without  a club shirt.

7. Michael Owen say's he wont retire after being released by Man Utd. He also said he's still undecided on which club he'll be injured for next season.

8. Following Paul Scholes retirement from football, Michael Owen has announced that his retirement has been delayed by injury.


9. Alex Ferguson: "Michael, get your tracksuit off, son"
Michael Owen: "Am I going on to save the day, boss?"
Alex Ferguson: "No son... Giggsy's getting cold."

 10. George Bush, The Pope, Michael Owen and a little boy are on a plane together.
The engines explode simultaneously and the plane begins to hurtle towards the ground. The passengers look for the parachutes and are horrified to find there are only three when they need four.
Michael Owen grabs the first one and says, "I am Michael Owen and the footballing world needs me!" Then he jumps out of the plane.
George Bush grabs another and says, "I am George Bush! I am the smartest man in America and my country needs me to run it!" Then he jumps out of the plane.
Only the Pope and the little boy are left. The Pope says, "I am an old man and have lived my time, you take the parachute, little boy, you have a whole life ahead of you."
The little boy replies, "Don't worry, old man, there are enough parachutes for both of us. The smartest man in America just took my rucksack!

11.  Michael Owen's transfer to Stoke is now in doubt. Whilst signing the contract he managed to break his wrist in three places.

"I'm gonnae sell Andy Carroll!"

Falcao's dad incurrs Atletico Madrid's wrath

Falcao in action.

Radamel Garcia (that's Falcao's dad) told Colombian radio station Todelar on Wednesday that his son had his heart set on a move to Real Madrid, and would look to pursue a move at the end of the current season The striker who destroy Chelsea with his hatrick in the 4-1 victory in the Super Cup, was then moved to pledge his commitment to the Vicente Calderon outfit on Twitter.

"Don't worry fans, i have no ambition."

Probably not content with making life hard for his son, his father again confirmed his son’s desire to wear the Real jersey in Colombia radio Station Antena 2. “Saying my son wants to play for Real Madrid is not a sin. He always wants to play in the best teams in the world. The next club is for him to decide,” he said.

No. Absolutely no.

Earlier on Wednesday, Goal.com exclusively revealed that Manchester City lead the race to sign the 60-million-euro rated (47.5m pounds) former Porto hit man, something that was alluded to in Radamel Senior’s original comments. “His dream has always been to play for Real Madrid, even though clubs like Manchester City and Chelsea have shown an interest,” he had said.

Owen ready for 'tough' Stoke

Passing on signing him, then selling Andy Carroll.

The former England striker this week signed for the Potters having been available as a free agent following his release by Manchester United at the end of last season. He endured three injury-blighted years at Old Trafford and now feels he has to prove himself at the Britannia Stadium despite his experiences with United and previously with Liverpool, Real Madrid, Newcastle and England.

Rare occassion in a Devil shirt.

 "There are many strikers at the club, I'm not expecting it to be an easy ride. I'll have to work, obviously, to play any part. I'm prepared to do that. There are a lot of top players at the club, so I'm hopefully going to fit in well with the squad and have a good season."

He spent some time without a club this summer.

Owen was strongly linked with Stoke throughout the summer and more recently with former club Liverpool, boyhood team Everton and Sunderland. His move to Stoke was announced on Tuesday and was ratified by the Premier League, after confusion over whether he had been included in the club's 25-man squad for the competition, the following day.

Will he be able to be back in England's fold?

 Owen first held talks with Potters boss Tony Pulis earlier in the summer and is now keen to start working under him. Owen said: "I met the manager two or three months ago. We were singing from the same hymn sheet in many ways. It is important to have a healthy respect for your manager and understand what he wants and different things. I feel as if I'll get that here with Tony Pulis. We had a good chat and it's just a shame it took a few months after that before I signed. But anyway, we're here now and I'm looking forward to it."

Owen has worked on his fitness privately but is unsure he will be match-sharp by then. "I know how I feel but in many ways I'm unsure in terms of exactly what stage I'm at compared to the rest of the squad. They've had a long pre-season, so it might turn out when I do a few tests that I'm quite a bit behind or it might be that I'm further forward than I thought - I just don't know. I'll have some tests over the next few days and gauge where I am, and hopefully I'll be out there as soon as possible."

Rooney thoughts on position change, that last minute in Etihad, and the rant at West Ham

The goals have dried up.

"I get more of the ball, I'm involved loads and, after one game, I even think about playing there permanently, but only later in my career.Once I feel that I haven't got the sharpness needed to get away from defenders, I'll probably drop back into midfield for a couple of seasons so I can still influence the game,"the striker exclaims.

Heartache, pictured.

"Someone shouts, 'City scored two in injury time' and I feel sick. Our fans look heartbroken.There's nothing worse than having the same points as the champions, but being second best,'" is his thought on the manner local rivals Man City wrap up the title last May, virtually in the last minute of the season.

"Watcha lookin at, huh?! I just scored a title winning goal!"

Rooney also commented on that swearing rant he had while playing West Ham and scoring a hatrick.

"I'm shouting, screaming and swearing into the cameras. My face is all twisted, scowling, angry, wound up. I start to feel sick. I know I've let myself down. I got carried away, made a mistake, and now I regret it and genuinely feel sorry."

Arsenal's Sagna disappointed over key players sales

Speaking to L'Equipe, Sagna said: "Everyone was expecting Robin Van Persie to leave, but Alex Song, that was a surprise. I don't understand that at all. It is a big loss for the club. When you see two of the best players from last season leave, you ask a lot of questions. I understand why the supporters are nervous.

Sagna, 29 is currently recuperating from a knee injury. Signed from Auxerre four years ago, he has seen several of his team-mates leave - Fabregas, van Persie, as well as Nasri and Clichy who went on to lift the title last May. This is his final year in his contract and so far there has been no extension talks.

He continued: "I am the only starting player left from 2007. In May, I watched City's parade on TV. I saw Samir and Gael lift the trophy. I want that feeling."

He said: "For the moment, I want to play with Arsenal, and find my level again."

Picture unrelated. By the way, it's his wife. Wait for the feature on her.

Deadline day Transfers Update 1

Dang! Now that Andy Carroll has made the loan move to West Ham, all my earlier jokes about him has become redundant. After all, Big Sam do like a big bloke up top and might make a good use of him. And he'll probably thrive on less expectation, this lad. But who will replace him at Liverpool? Should no one comes, Brendan Rodgers will look pretty stupid.

"Yes! Now that Carroll's off i'll have no reason to play him!"

Still with Liverpool. Golem had completed a loan move to Bolton, but the duration of the loan remains unclear. Charlie Adam could complete a loan move to Stoke. Brendan Rodgers offered Henderson to Fulham in exchange for Clint Dempsey, but apparently Henderson doesn't want to leave. Rodgers also made clear that Joe Cole wasn't needed in Anfield, opening the probable move for Joe Cole to a home that loves him. I don't know, but it looks like Brendan Rodgers has caused Liverpool to be extremely short on strikers, and crushed the confidence of a few international players. All these from a manager with one good season under his belt.

At Etihad, Nigel de Jong moves to AC Milan, while at the same time welcoming Richard Wright and Scott Sinclair. Let's face it - these two wasn't gonna play much, aren't they? After the ECL draw, apparently Man City gonna make some last minute big purchase to face Real Madrid.

QPR strengthens their team furthermore, with the capture of Julio Cesar and Esteban Granero. In an attempt not to look stupid, QPR wisely chose not to disclose Granero's transfer fee, which might be 78 million pound more than 15 goal Michu.

It ain't finished yet. Today could bring more surprises. One particular piece of business i'm eagerly waiting for is the one involving Michael Owen. Where would he ended up in?

ECL Group Draw 2012 -2013 is out

Group A: FC Porto, Dynamo Kiev, PSG, Dinamo Zagreb.
Group B: Arsenal, Schalke, Olympiacos, Montpellier.
Group C: AC Milan, Zenit St Petersburg, Anderlecht, Malaga.
Group D: Real Madrid, Manchester City, Ajax, Borussia Dortmund.
Group E: Chelsea, Shakhtar Donetsk, Juventus, FC Nordsjaelland.
Group F: Bayern Munich, Valencia, Lille, BATE.
Group G: Barcelona, Benfica, Spartak Moscow, Celtic.
Group H: Manchester United, Braga, Galatasaray, CFR Cluj.

For some reason, the EPL, Bundesliga, Eredivisie and La Liga champions were grouped together in D (cue the group of death talks). How does these old farts do the grading?